Tuesday, August 2, 2011

101 Uses for a Dead Liberal

One of my favorite books of all time (sorry feline befriend-ers) is Simon Bond book, "101 Uses for a Dead Cat."  This past week of defict debate caused me to reflect on writing a modern day adaptation called, "101 Uses for a Dead Liberal."

In response to my aggressive (and totally off-base) request for a liberal to justify mathematically how taxing 100% of the top 1% of the US taxpayers would solve the debt crisis - I was called a "fascist," (@whisper1111), a "fu*kwit," (@SherriGG) and an "a**hole." (@DugganNY).

I must confess I DID call the instigator (@GottaLaff) of this assault a "#looser," for which I was BLOCKED and summarily cast as a right wing extremist I am sure.  And I guess I should apologize since there was at least one liberal who did defend their argument very articulately with the use of math:
I have tried desperately to reason with my fellow Americans of the leftist bent and was wondering what might bring us together now that this silly deficit argument has been won by the Tea Party.  Or Obama.  Or WHOEVER.  I'm still not quite sure.  (I don't feel like I've won anything but GOPeptic ulcers.)

I would normally refrain from such macabre humor except it is clear from Biden's "Tea Partiers are Terrorists" remark and recast portrayals of those who don't want America to become BFEgypt that they are "extremists", the era of political civility called for by our Birth Certificate-ly challenged leader is over.  @Jimmiebjr's Sundries Shack blog documents this well and should be bookmarked by every conservative for defense and ammunition in the upcoming election year.  I thought to myself, perhaps I have liberals all wrong.  Perhaps it is through this ugly rhetoric that they best communicate!
And since many of these liberals might have retained their procreative rights, it would be an excellent chance for them to teach tolerance to their progeny like, "conservatives really do have a sense of humor."  So trying humor that they associate with - I decided let's play... 101 Uses for a Dead Liberal.

Since I AM A CONSERVATIVE (thank you @KurtSchlicter), I, of course, do not wish Liberals any physical demise or harm.  Liberals unfortunately DO want conservatives dead and there are many instances from Chris Matthews, Montel Williams, P.J. O'Rourke as well documented by Brent Bozell here

But, professional speakers say humor is a wonderful ice breaker since it unifies an audience on a common theme.  So with the disclaimer that we are merely 'reaching out' across the aisle - Hobbit to Orc, if you will, with a humor they have already mastered, let's start a dialog.  

Now you might think I would respond with uses for their dead corpses such as:
  • Dress up a dead lib in a Navy uniform so POTUS could claim he was correct when he said we had "corpse-man"
  • Give honorary degrees to dead libs at Occidental and Columbia so Obama can claim there were 'people' who actually knew him.  (Dead men can't lie!) 
  • Collect them in rural areas so liberals would finally be able to point to Americans who are dying of hunger. (what?...that's off limits with GWB out of office?...oh.)
But I won't stoop so low to do that.  Instead, let's keep this on a higher plain and instead, suggest the impact that dead liberals would leave should they (God forbid) leave our world: 

1. Global Cooling! - That's right! Once a liberal is dead, they no longer can consume planetary resources.  They also emit 450 liters (roughly 900 grams) of carbon dioxide per day although I suspect some liberals like Ed Schultz and Harry Reid might raise that average. Although liberal self-indentification is not the same as liberal behavior - we can estimate that if roughly 52 million US self-proclaimed liberals create over 23 Billion liters of CO2 per day and over 8 TRILLION liters a year!  It's amazing that all 50 states did not break a high temperature record last month!

2. Wall Street with less graft and crime - Believe it or not in 2010 election cycle, 62% of political donations went to Democrats.  The bible says, "where your treasure is, their your heart is," so we must assume all those former Goldman Sachs executives now in the government actually BELIEVE the crap that the party in power espouses.  Less wall street executives less wall street crime.

3. Higher Quality of Life - Yes, Democrats are much unhappier and have less friends than Republicans!  This is a shocker to many of my conservative friends but a study concludes just that!  Moreover, this has been true for DECADES.  In 2008 the NY Times suggested this was because the nasty hobbitses were in power but (shocker) that was wrong too!  And science has already made the correlation that when we connect with other happy people are we happier, we are also HEALTHIER.  Honestly, isn't there a liberal in your world that makes you unhappy?

Which may explain the entire nature of the liberal 'tone' from last week.  They are simply unhappy.  But, you cannot argue their joy at the passing of the Budget Control Act yesterday by the House, as this tweeter shows:

Shhh!  Please no one tell her that a) social security was never at stake, b) we are borrowing money from the Chinese today to cut Social Security checks, or c) that her SS deduction from last week paid some retired Republican in Florida.  As a lib, she doesn't need anything else to make her unhappy.


this was both funny, educational and factual. i didn't realize there were ANY uses for libiots. :-)

ROFLAMO, really very very droit and delightfully politically incorrect!

Let's all have a puppy gas bag biting party.

Hi Jim.. here's something you might like. A democrat died and a friend was collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate $10. "Ten dollars? "she said.."It only takes $10 to bury a democrat? Here's a hundred - go bury 10 of them!" *snicker* ;-)

Post a Comment


Twitter Delicious Facebook Digg Stumbleupon Favorites More