Friday, January 20th, 2012
The Right Honourable Mr. Stephen Joseph Harper, Prime Minister of Canada
Dear Prime Minister:
It has come to our attention that one of our employees, a Barack Hussein Obama, has badly mishandled your account. This is absolutely inexcusable and it is our intent to not only deal harshly with him, but to do whatever necessary to make amends for this gross injustice to you.
First we would like to express our deepest apologies. This should never happened to our greatest trading partner. As a long time customer and business partner of the United States, you have a right to expect the absolutely best customer service and the greatest privileges as a V.I.P. customer and valued friend. Our employee is currently in the process of being put under probation.
We had assumed the first mishandling of your visit was merely due to “new employee jitters.” As you know his first official trip abroad as President was to your country and we assumed that our most prized relationship with your country was being attended to. But the insult of sending a deputy protocol chief, let alone greeting you at your car as you deserve clarified our revelation of a deficiency of professionalism we expect of all our employees. If it is any consolation he made much more egregious errors with our British partner in a matter concerning an ipod, some DVD’s and a bust.
In fairness President Obama had never had an executive role and was hired from another division where we had assumed his job training would occur. Upon investigation, it appears that we may have overlooked a substantial number of work absences which seems to have been spent interviewing for his current position. This very well might account for his lack of familiarity with proper protocol.
When it was brought to our attention that this also happened to Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, we thought it best not embarrass you while we determined the seriousness of the problem. We are still trying to determine where the mix-up has occurred that causes him confusion on who our VIP partners are and who is not. For instance, the anti-semitic Turkish Prime Minister who has instructed his education system with Jewish conspiracy theories has met with our employee 15 times – far more also than the PM of France or Germany, also valued US partners. So you can see there is a serious educational and preparatory issue on our part and that certainly is not a reflection on you or the great nation of Canada.
We would be happy to blame our liberal, union dominated, school system except that he was not educated in them instead enjoying private school in Hawaii and abroad in Indonesia. This of course may also explain his lack of appreciation for our nifty neighbor to the North. In fact, it seems that our Human Resources Department is having difficultly verifying a number of items on his resume. We never thought it necessary to do a drug test when he came so highly recommended by the majority of our stockholders, but it is entirely possible our hiring system also is in serious need of reform.
We wouldn’t normally share this with our clients or partners but as you are a close friend we trust alerting you to the fact that we can not even verify his purported identity through his birth certificate, or drivers license. And the recent failure of his Social Security Number in our eVerify system has caused us to do a serious review of his employee contract and qualifications for this position for which he was hired.
In fact, at this moment a significant portion of our stockholders are proposing an immediate replacement which only needs to be approved by a majority of the Board of Directors this upcoming November. You have my sincere promise as a major shareholder of US, that I will do everything in my power to make sure that this employee is not just reprimanded, but fired and charged with restitution.
This brings me to the issue of the recent project you proposed to us. With the insult you’ve endured we have no right to ask you to reconsider your business with us on the Keystone Pipeline. But, as we have been an excellent vendor and partner of yours for many years, we would ask if you could see your way clear to reconsider giving this project to another customer. A customer, I might add, from whom you might need our help and protection with in the near future.
For the trouble you’ve endured we would like to offer you the Florida Panthers, Phoenix Coyotes, and Tampa Bay Lightning NHL franchise’s first round picks for the next 2 years. As you know your most famous daughter in acting, Sandra Bullock, has made a home in the states and we are willing to cancel her Visa immediately and send her back; or condition it upon a guaranteed major motion picture film to be filmed in your entertainment Mecca of Vancouver. In fact, we will throw in all of Hollywood and make sure all Canadian citizens get 2 free years of Netflix service. Both streaming and DVD. And absolutely NO speeches by the employee in question.
Again we want to reiterate that we are taking every measure to remove this employee and to see to it that your country is never subjected to this kind of treatment from us, your most loyal customer and vendor, again.
I know you are angry and have an economy to run, but just a word about our competition. If they siphon this business from America there is a greater chance that our economy will not revive and Obamacare may not be repealed. This would mean our healthcare becoming LIKE YOURS. (I know, right? Think how far it is to fly to Japan or Australia for those high level surgeries and not being able to just pay cash a border away to avoid long waits for procedures!)
We are very willing to do whatever takes to reestablish our mutual interests on or about November 7th of this year. And ask you humbly to give us a second chance.
Yours very truly,
United States Citizen and a “We” the People
P.S. Do you like Eminem? We could make you a great deal on Detroit if you want it, but you’ll have to take Dearborn and GM.
My friend @GenericRepub has written an excellent letter as well:
Dear Prime Minister:
You recently received a letter from my best bird friend,@politijim. While his letter was excellent, I believe it falls short of providing a timely solution to the Keystone Konumdrum. We the People of the United States need oil in the worst way. We need to find a way to build our pipeline regardless of our silly Presidential politics.
Mr. @politijim suggested that you give this once great country some time to replace our Teleprompter Reader-in-Chief with a real Commander-in-Chief. He believes, as do I, that when that happens the pipeline will get built. However, I don’t think either of our countries can afford to let this project sit idle for a year. I am suggesting to you, and by copy of this letter to the Governors of the States of Montana, South Dakota, Oklahoma and Texas, that we begin construction immediately.
Read the rest here.